November 1st, 2009. I heard the words no mother should ever have to hear. "It must have been for the best, but your baby girl has died". Somehow, I already knew it had happened. I was just hoping my sixth sense was completely wrong. I spent the next day in the hospital waiting to be discharged and sent home. They tell me it was only a day, but it still seems like it was a thousand and one years.
The first few months were easier. Everyone remembered her. They would sometimes gather courage to talk to me about her or listen to what I felt like. Then slowly people started forgetting. They started to play the 'hush' game around me and believed I was starting to forget too. That soon my memory will fade and become blurry. My pain will lessen. My heart will beat again. My life will go on and I will move forward with it. That never happened. My life has stopped. I am at a stand still. Waiting for something to happen. It never does.
When a person dies, what keeps the people close to them comforted are the mementos. The memories. The pictures. The videos. Some clothes. A song. A broken lamp they loved so much. When a baby travels to heaven breathing just a few breaths you have nothing. There is no comfort.
There is a constant struggle in my life to move on. Everyday I try to live forward but I'm only standing. I sleep thinking tomorrow will be the day but wake up at the same spot. Its a hopeless cycle.
People tell me it was for the best. That God has planned something better for me. That it will all be okay in the end. I'm sorry but these are exactly the things I don't want to hear. It will never be okay. Even if I have a million rainbow babies, she will never be here. I will never be able to hold my first born in my arms. I just want to cry and for once I want someone to let me cry without making the situation awkward. I don't want you to comfort me so I would stop crying. I don't want you to tell me I should be brave. I want you to accept me when I am weak and faithless. I want you to say yes, she is gone and it is heartbreaking!
I want an understanding friend..
