Does life really go on?

November 1st, 2009. I heard the words no mother should ever have to hear. "It must have been for the best, but your baby girl has died". Somehow, I already knew it had happened. I was just hoping my sixth sense was completely wrong. I spent the next day in the hospital waiting to be discharged and sent home. They tell me it was only a day, but it still seems like it was a thousand and one years.

The first few months were easier. Everyone remembered her. They would sometimes gather courage to talk to me about her or listen to what I felt like. Then slowly people started forgetting. They started to play the 'hush' game around me and believed I was starting to forget too. That soon my memory will fade and become blurry. My pain will lessen. My heart will beat again. My life will go on and I will move forward with it. That never happened. My life has stopped. I am at a stand still. Waiting for something to happen. It never does.

When a person dies, what keeps the people close to them comforted are the mementos. The memories. The pictures. The videos. Some clothes. A song. A broken lamp they loved so much. When a baby travels to heaven breathing just a few breaths you have nothing. There is no comfort.

There is a constant struggle in my life to move on. Everyday I try to live forward but I'm only standing. I sleep thinking tomorrow will be the day but wake up at the same spot. Its a hopeless cycle.

People tell me it was for the best. That God has planned something better for me. That it will all be okay in the end. I'm sorry but these are exactly the things I don't want to hear. It will never be okay. Even if I have a million rainbow babies, she will never be here. I will never be able to hold my first born in my arms. I just want to cry and for once I want someone to let me cry without making the situation awkward. I don't want you to comfort me so I would stop crying. I don't want you to tell me I should be brave. I want you to accept me when I am weak and faithless. I want you to say yes, she is gone and it is heartbreaking!

I want an understanding friend..

Testing myself

Ok, so I desperately wanted to start sketching again and the first thing that came to my Naruto crazy mind was, of course, a Kunai. So I realize my drawing is almost perfect, if I may say so myself, but my shading really lacks definition. I think the dark really needs to be darker. hm..

Starting to sketch again

I used to sketch a lot when I was still studying, but being a perfectionist I always hated whatever I sketched. I tore and threw away every single sketch I made during college and now I regret it to a heart-breaking extent. I have now learned to be less critical of and more satisfied with what I do.

I want to tell you how this happened. I saw people who are far less talented than I am boast about being such expert artists that it hurt. Yes. It hurt like someone had stabbed me right in the lungs and I couldn't breathe. A few days ago someone proudly sent me a snap-shot of a sketch of a door they had made. The dimensions were so distorted that if it was real world the door would never be able to fit inside the place that had 'artistically' been left in the wall for it. That's when I decided to start something I had stopped doing because I thought I was bad at it. It seems I never was so bad at it. Maybe I was competing with Da Vinci. Not anymore :)

Naming my blog. . . AGAIN.

So I didn't really have a lot of posts in my blog but four posts in a lot of years was still something. I opened my blog today, just to check whether my posts were still there and :o! They were not! Blogger tells me I have never written a single post.. ever! In fact I didn't even HAVE a blog! And I don't remember this site being called blogger. No, it was called blogspot! So now I have really used up all my gas being angry on blogwhatever and I don't have anything more to say.